In Defense of Exhibitionism

Exhibitionism seems to have gotten a bad rap in my local kink scene.  It's a tirade that just keeps popping up.  The arguments against exhibitionism seem to go something like, "People that pay attention to showy technique, or care if people are watching, are totally missing out on intimacy and connecting with their partner in a meaningful way.  They are doing it wrong!  I look at them with a mix of disdain and pity."

As an exhibitionist, I would like to dissect some of what's packed in there.

Showy technique.  Yup.  I dig it.  As a bottom, I love feeling that I am in exceptionally capable hands.  And as a top, I love being able to work my partner over smoothly, efficiently, competently.  Turns out, doing something well can often look good.  And guys, that's okay.  It can actually make play that much hotter.  I've had somebody comment to me, after I tied her for the first time, how hot it was for her that I was able to solidly tie her up without putting laborious thought into the mechanics and technical details.  As a result, I'll bet it was kinda showy, too.  'Cause competence is sexy.

Caring if people are watching.  I'll be honest, the wee! chemicals are a big part of why I like BDSM.  I'm pretty sure that's why a fair number of us are here.  Getting my hurty on gives me those wee! chemicals, but so do many types of activities in front of a crowd.  It's relatively rare that I want to engage with bystanders, but glancing up mid-scene to see a sea of faces?  Yup, there's that adrenaline rush.  I've also had more than a few scenes where somebody commented on the number of people watching, who I had no idea were there because I was too focused on playing.  But hey, even if I don't notice people watching me play as it's happening, I still feel good knowing that people were watching.  I like to think that what I'm doing is interesting and engaging enough that people are inspired to watch it unfold.  I guess I'm just an attention whore like that.

Connecting with my partner.  I like connection.  Going on a suspension bender earlier this spring, where I tied pretty much everybody that asked, served as quite the reminder that I really am much happier playing with people who I have that kind of connection with.  Wooing or being wooed by technical abilities helps me connect with my partner.  Sharing the rush of adrenaline that comes from performing helps me connect with my partner.  I connect with my partners in a multitude of ways, the specifics of which may or may not be obvious.  But I do hear through the grapevine that said connection tends to be pretty obvious.

And you know what?  Connection is hot.  Watching other peoples' connections is hot.  For me, as a voyeur, that's going to be what determines whether I really camp out in front of a scene to watch it start to finish.  That's where the magic is.  I might pause in front of a showy scene for a bit, but unless it's showy and the players are going exciting places together, it's not going to hold my attention for long.

So please, don't look at me with disdain and pity.  Don't assume that having an audience trumps my connection with my partner.  Don't assume that the ways in which you connect with your partner are the only ways in which two people can meet in playspace.  Are you uninspired by my dynamic ropework, or loud moaning?  That's pretty okay by me.  I hope you'll wander on to something that you are more inspired by, rather than sniping from the sidelines of the dungeon or Fetlife.  You focus on what gets you off, and I'll focus on what gets me off.  Deal?  Deal.