I started this blog feeling pretty good about what all I'd worked through on the asexual-ish front. I'd hit upon an identity/bucket that clicked, and really felt right for me. I'd gotten involved with a really fantastic woman who was totally okay with us not involving genitals in our play. There were all kinds of moments of hilarity and misadventure. Sure, there was the serious stuff to continue working through, and more self-discovery, but I was feeling pretty good.
I'm still feeling pretty good. I bounce around, I make (a)sexuality jokes, and am generally pretty happy-go-lucky.
But then I'm reminded how raw so much of this is for me. When I sit down to write here, and I feel deep-set anger bubbling up. When I'm feeling cornered by somebody's sexual interest, and I feel a knot of panic forming under my ribs. When I read asexuality blogs, and feel a devastating resonance with others' painful words and experiences.
It's still raw, and it still hurts. The ferocity of it, the intensity, consistently takes me by surprise. I'm not sure what there is to do about it, other than know there are still strong, painful undercurrents.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Objectification
Disclaimer: This post kind of makes it sound like this is some huge, awful ongoing phenomenon in my life. It really isn't. But it has been something that I've encountered and wrestled with enough over time that I have undue anxiety and discomfort around it. I'd prefer that I didn't.
When I say objectification, I don't mean the sexy kind of objectification. I mean the non-negotiated, can't-turn-it-off-kind.
One of the most profoundly objectifying experiences that I've felt has been others' sexual attraction to me when I wasn't feeling it- at all. How to best explain it? I know. Time for an another food comparison!
I'm a vegan, and have been for a long damn time. I like food, and I really like shitty diner food. I'm just not a brown rice and veggies kinda girl, and many of my favorite dishes are veganized versions of "classic" American dishes. But when I look at food made with animal products, it stops being food to me. Sure, it might make me want a vegan version of whatever it is, but I'm not lusting after that particular dish. Because it isn't food for me. It just... isn't.
Something that I really struggle with is being looked at as a food source, as it were, by folks for whom I am simply not edible. Sure, it can be confusing as somebody is determining whether or not I contain eggs or dairy products. But once that's established... Why are you still looking at me like that? Not edible!!
It makes me feel as though it's not me that's being desired. It's as though I'm being read as a blank slate onto which other people can write their desires and fantasies. Because that's what's being desired- things which are not a part of who I am. Things that are being written onto me. It's as though I'm not an autonomous being, not fully human. Just an object.
I really feel as though there's something about desire as others experience it that I am just not grokking. I'm pretty sure there's a blind spot there. Seeing as it's a blind spot though, I can't actually look at it to figure out what's going on. I'd like to better understand though, and would be hugely appreciative of insights or perspectives that others might be able to offer on this.
When I say objectification, I don't mean the sexy kind of objectification. I mean the non-negotiated, can't-turn-it-off-kind.
One of the most profoundly objectifying experiences that I've felt has been others' sexual attraction to me when I wasn't feeling it- at all. How to best explain it? I know. Time for an another food comparison!
I'm a vegan, and have been for a long damn time. I like food, and I really like shitty diner food. I'm just not a brown rice and veggies kinda girl, and many of my favorite dishes are veganized versions of "classic" American dishes. But when I look at food made with animal products, it stops being food to me. Sure, it might make me want a vegan version of whatever it is, but I'm not lusting after that particular dish. Because it isn't food for me. It just... isn't.
Something that I really struggle with is being looked at as a food source, as it were, by folks for whom I am simply not edible. Sure, it can be confusing as somebody is determining whether or not I contain eggs or dairy products. But once that's established... Why are you still looking at me like that? Not edible!!
It makes me feel as though it's not me that's being desired. It's as though I'm being read as a blank slate onto which other people can write their desires and fantasies. Because that's what's being desired- things which are not a part of who I am. Things that are being written onto me. It's as though I'm not an autonomous being, not fully human. Just an object.
I really feel as though there's something about desire as others experience it that I am just not grokking. I'm pretty sure there's a blind spot there. Seeing as it's a blind spot though, I can't actually look at it to figure out what's going on. I'd like to better understand though, and would be hugely appreciative of insights or perspectives that others might be able to offer on this.
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